


out of the black, into the blue

by laurelsalexis



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 12:37:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11691783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurelsalexis/pseuds/laurelsalexis
Summary: I won’t let go. I promise.





	out of the black, into the blue

**Author's Note:**

> The fact that there is no Spencer x Marco content is unsatisfactory so here I am, providing it. I really liked them.
> 
> AU post 7x19

 

 

Mary Drake confesses.

Mona confesses.

The game ends.

It's an odd sort of reality, where everything is calm and everyone is off to their happy little lands.

Except Spencer.

Spencer sits in her car outside the Lost Woods where everyone has left and calls Marco. It's early, too early. The sun is barely up and she has a wave of exhaustion and sadness that overwhelms her.

It's not like he answers anyway.

* * *

Everyone continues to lead their happy little lives.

Except Spencer who doesn't really know much of what to do with herself. Not yet, anyway. She has a mess of ideas in her head.

She sits at the table as Emily makes a toast to the new marriage of Hanna and Caleb. She's happy for them, she swears. She smiles. She laughs. She gives a toast of her own.

The only thing she manages to wonder is how the hell did she get there? It was mere months ago Caleb was in her bed and now he's married to someone else, to  _Hanna_. A soulmate, she thinks. They belong together. She's happy and sad all in one web and really just wants to drink all of the champagne down.

She controls herself. Doesn't need to slip into something like Jason.

Jason the one who has called her twice in the last week to make sure she's okay. Her mother killed his mother but somehow it's her that needs to be okay. It makes her smile. Jason makes her smile. It's an odd state of affairs when she thinks her brother is the one that brings her a sense of happiness she's lost for so long.

Or a sad state of affairs.

 _Both_.

The party ends and she drinks off the last of the champagne.

"Can't let it go to waste." She tells Alison who is watching her carefully like she's about to break.

Does she watch Jason with those same eyes? Yes, she does. It's an answer she already knows for how often she catches Alison looking between both of them to see if they're not about to do something stupid.

"If it makes you feel any better only one of us relapses at a time." She once told her.

They smiled while Alison worried.

They've come so far.

She walks through the streets of Rosewood. She isn't drunk enough that driving will get her in trouble, she just wants to be alone. It's something of a default setting as of late. Hanna and Caleb. Aria and Ezra. Hanna and Emily. It's now her that is the odd one out and she almost prefers it that way. No obligations. No needing to be the leader to their dysfunctional little group.

Now they can't be mad at her when she's not being the perfect Spencer they knew.

She's gone and has been for a while.

* * *

Toby leaves with Jason and she doesn't know how to feel.

Charity work, he emphasizes. That the work he'll do with Jason in Ethiopia is more important than being a cop and building houses for a dead wife. That after Yvonne he needs some space. She feels like there's something he's not saying but resigns herself that maybe she just doesn't know Toby anymore. They've grown so far apart that she doesn't think they can ever be the same again.

She isn't sure how she feels about that either.

They hug and she inhales him, one last time. He's Toby and regardless of everything they've been through he means something to her. He will always mean something to her. The same way Caleb will always mean something to her. They're moving on while she's standing still.

"Why didn't you tell me about Toby?" She'll only bite on the phone at Jason when Toby has shut the door behind him.

"He asked me not to, Spence." He sighs, one of those heavy ones she knows well. "Do you want to come?"

"I'm not going to complicate his life."  _Or yours_ , she keeps that one to herself.

"I'll call you when we land. Watch after Alison."

"Cut your stupid Jesus hair." She smiles when he laughs and she already misses him.

She grabs her jacket and walks out of the barn, out of her property, shutting the gate behind her. She stops for a moment to see how gaudy it all is. Their house hidden behind some dumb brick wall because God forbid they need to see their neighbors. It's odd that no matter how hard her parents tried to run they are always right there, Alison and Jason reminders of so much. Mary her birth mother.

It's a mess.

She ends up at the park swings. The night is falling and she's glad there aren't any kids running around to make her feel guilty about being nearly twenty four and on a swing. It's stupid. She can't even remember the last time she happily went to a park. She had be about six, maybe seven. Her childhood blurs together.

It's nothing but a lie anyway.

"Can I sit?"

"Uh." She's too stunned to see Marco standing there that she can only look up at him. " _Sure_."

"Jason called." He explains, barely looking over at her. "You didn't tell me he was your brother."

Spencer simply shrugs. Doesn't ask how Jason got his number. It's  _Jason_. He's the person she talks to now. It's not like she can talk to Caleb. He was her rock back in D.C. before they ruined it. Hanna doesn't seem much better. She doesn't want to ruin Emily and Alison's baby joy, and Aria is too busy with her books and wedding. She's not too busy, she knows. If Spencer wants to talk Aria will listen but the excuses are better. "I didn't tell you a lot of things."

"I'm sorry about Mary Drake."

"Yeah, me too." She doesn't know what to say so she doesn't. She carefully swings and glances over at the man ten years her senior. It's not a fact that bothers her. It's just how put together and strong he is while she's...a mess. It's a kind way of putting it but it's true. Her hands grip tighter around the chains and she longs for something more, heavier. Her mouth opens to speak but nothing comes out. Doesn't think asking why he didn't answer her call or call her back is an answer she wants. "You don't have to be here. I can tell Jason you came, things felt better, and he'll be none the wiser."

"I want to be here, to see you." It's a confession that comes as his own swing moves. "I don't care about your brother."

"I don't think I'll tell him that."

"I just mean I'm not here to please a guy I've never met."

"If you were into pleasing my brother I'd say a few of our nights were a mistake." It's a poor joke but she smiles as she says it anyway, biting down on her lip as she looks over at him. It's not meant to be like this. It's meant to be purer,  _different_ , like she's trying to make amends for the messes she's made.

She is.  _Really_ , she is.

There's no shortage of sleepless nights that find her as she runs through everything she's been through and everything she's done. They both know she's guilty but either he doesn't care or is trying to pry a confession out of her. Not that he needs to try that hard when she was standing in his apartment all but doing just that.

"I don't think those nights were a mistake."

Her car has seen a lot over the years but she can't deny it's her favorite memory as she straddles him, undoing his belt buckle with ease, losing her clothes in a fit of passion. They haven't spoken about anything and it's definitely something of a bad idea but her body is burning in such a way that if she doesn't get something soon she's going to burst.

He's always been good about that. Just giving her what she wants,  _needs_ in this case. He doesn't ask questions even when she's on the brink of becoming a mess. Didn't ask why she called him at nearly midnight the night Yvonne died to screw her until she can't think. Doesn't ask now as she's slamming herself down on him just to feel something good.

She wants to feel good.

He grips her so hard she's certain he'll leave bruises but she doesn't care. She welcomes it, welcomes him. Welcomes the way her breath gets lost in everything, in him, in  _this_. Welcomes their messy, raw rhythm that no doubtedly shakes the car. She's fucking a cop in it so if nothing else they can't get in that much trouble. It makes it hotter somehow. Knowing that he's a good force and she's a mess of crimes she'll never be convicted for.

 **A.D.**  can't play with her while she's rotting away in prison, can they?

 _"Harder,"_ is the only word that comes out of her mouth while she's gripping at him just as hard, nails digging into his biceps, the sounds of their bodies filling the space of the car. Until he just holds her and gives the two of them want they want. She bites down on her lip to keep from screaming when the orgasm takes her and she's never been more grateful to Marco than in that very moment.

There's some fucked up sense of comfort when he's dripping down her thighs.

* * *

She fucks him in secret.

Not for any real reason.

She's not ashamed to be locked back in the mess with Marco. She just thinks it's less complicated if it's just them. Jason knows. A smug sense in his voice as he was helpful as she calls him before telling him that normal big brothers threaten guys, not try to push them together.

"Yeah, well I'm not a normal brother."

"Cut your hair." One day he might actually listen to her.

Doubtful.

It's two in the morning when they end up in her hot tub. She was at the Lost Woods. He had a case. It doesn't matter when it takes all of five minutes for her bikini to be lost. She doesn't get the chance to tell him to turn her around before he simply is. Her back is flush against his chest. His hand is around her throat. She's exposed but she likes it. What she likes even more is that he just takes her.

Hates that he seemingly knows what to do without her needing to tell him.

Or maybe he's just into this and would do it anyway. Not if she didn't want. She knows him well enough that if she ever wants it differently he'll comply. Her hand rests over his where it rests against her throat. The pressure is light but enough to only make her feel like fire.

Everything about Marco's touch makes her feel fire.

"Do you think we're being watched?" She tries to keep the question to herself, especially when she's barely getting the words out as the pleasure finds her more and more.

"Maybe." It's honest. He's honest. Always honest. "Do you want to go inside?"

"No. Don't stop."

If **A.D.**  is still out there watching her she doesn't care anymore. Let them.

* * *

They run a few good weeks before she shows up at Aria and Ezra's belated engagement party with a hickey on her neck and she's desperately trying to fix her makeup in the bathroom of the hotel in downtown Philadelphia. She told Aria she'd bring someone if it meant she wasn't going to be set up by Ezra. She let Ezra set her up once back in college and it was a total disaster. Never again.

Plus, she genuinely likes spending time with Marco.

It helps their clothes never stay on for long.

"You look even worse than I do." She whispers as she fixes his tie even if he can do it himself.

"You couldn't even wait until we greet your friends."

Spencer rolls her eyes. It's true. It's just that's not the point. "Shut up."

She barely looks up when Caleb walks in. He's the last person she wants to explain anything to. Doesn't try to think about about how if he'd shown up ten minutes earlier she'd be on her knees earning the wrecked makeup look she did her best to fix. They're friends but they're not  _friends_.

"You know this is the men's room, right, Spence?" Is all he asks as he brushes past them.

Spencer lets out a breath as she tightens his tie. A little too tight by the way his hand catches her wrist and loosens it when she drops away from him. She mouths a sorry and hates how much tension finds her.

"I'll meet you out there." Marco glances over at Caleb before kissing her on his way out.

The bathroom becomes smaller near instantly. As if just the two of them being in there makes it shrink in size. She needs to leave and almost pushes herself from off the counter before Caleb is in front of her.

Caleb's hand brushes against the mark on her neck. "You never let me do that."

"Is that why you ran back to Hanna?"

His hand drops sharply, looking down at the marble flooring for a moment. "I thought we were past that."

"We are." She promises, even manages to smile. There's no lie or malice in her voice. They are over it but she knows she'll adopt a nasty little habit of using it when she's upset or uncomfortable. "Do I look okay? Not like…"

"You just fucked a guy in a bathroom stall?" Caleb smiles. "You look good,  _happy_."

"So do you."

"You think we'll ever go back to how it was?"

"No." Spencer smiles, a little too sadly. "We can never go back. We can only do our best to recreate."

"Isn't that from a Bastille song?"

"They aren't wrong." Are the last words she says before exiting the bathroom she's not even supposed to be in.

She sits down next to Marco at the table, unable to keep to herself as her hand finds his thigh and she just sits. Her head is on his shoulder and it's the most domestic they've been. It feels fake, in a way, as if it's more than what it is. She's exhausted all the time and sore, but content,  _comforted_ , lost in whatever Marco is giving her. She needs him more than she'll admit.

Toby was her safe place to land and she always loved him for that.

Marco doesn't feel all that safe. He  _is_ , in a way. He's a cop and stable. He's not running for the hills anytime soon and he adores her. He knows some of her secrets and read her file. Maybe one day she'll tell him about Radley or  **A.D.**  It's his willingness to sacrifice her for the job that makes him not safe at all. Or the way everything almost feels as if it's a game.

The hickey on her neck is joined by one on each thigh. There's a mark on her ass and her hip. It sounds so much more violent than it is when she runs through it in her head. Her eyes close for a second and she can pull herself back to when he'd given her each one.

Her hip is from the car by the park. Acting as if they should be making messes in her car by a place where children play. Not that she can say much since she only buried a body a few feet from there.

The first one on her thigh is from the night spent his apartment. The time he actually lets her stay. He offers to make her dinner but it burns when he drops to his knees and marks her before even getting close to her aching cunt.

Her ass is from the day she teases him all day long. A million and one texts sent as he's working a case he won't share details with. She knows some of them from the snooping she does but doesn't let him know. They're both impatient when they have to meet her dad for dinner. They barely make it through the night before he's complying to her ever request in a text and she's begging him like she's desperate. Sometimes she is.

The one on her opposite throbs as she sits there. Thinking of the way he can be so wordless in what he's going to do. From when they were in her barn. It's morning when she's in some desperate need for some coffee and he's wondering why she gets up so early if she doesn't have strict hours. She only puts his shirt on before he's awake for very different reasons than her need for coffee.

The memories cause her to swallow and she wonders when she became so sex crazed and not filling herself full of weed. A high Marco is certainly food for thought and nothing she'll see in her lifetime.

"To happy beginnings and bright futures." Spencer toasts, holding her glass of champagne up as she looks over at the Aria and Ezra. "To freedom, lifelong happiness, and two people who have been meant to be since seemingly forever." It's the nicest way she can word it without alerting the whole room that she was seeing him back when he was still their teacher.

She hangs on Marco for most of the night that makes her smile.

They drink.

They dance.

They kiss each other in full view of everyone in the room without a care.

He tells her some awful jokes and stories that she hangs on every word because they're actually interesting to her. She returns with tales of her work as a lobbyist, leaving out all the parts of Caleb. She's bleaching him from certain memories carefully. Not out of malice but out of necessity.

He breaks off to talk to Ezra and she's a little alarmed at how well they get on. Close in age, she assumes.

"Caleb and I are trying for a baby." Hanna announces when she slides her glass of champagne over to Spencer.

"Oh." She drinks so she doesn't have to say anything.

"Should I not have said anything?"

"No," Spencer shakes her head. "I'm happy for you. I am, I promise." She hugs her then, probably little too tightly, a wince of her own coming out when Hanna returns it.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Is he ― It wouldn't be the first cop I heard of…" Hanna can't even finish the sentence but her tone is soft and she's worried, inching closer to look her in the eye as if that's going to change the situation.

"No." She promises but the way Hanna opens her mouth back up she knows the subject isn't being let go. "It's...a sex thing."

"Oh." She's confused for a moment before Hanna's eyes go wide. "Oh. That kind of... _oh_." She pauses, tapping her nails against the table. "Can I ask you something?"

"You don't have to ask, Hanna. You're my best friend."

"Did you Caleb ever...this? Is this a ―"

"No. It never seemed to be his thing."

"And it's Marco's thing?"

It's an odd conversation if Spencer's ever had one. Hanna isn't much a prude so she knows there is no judgement. Curiosity. She's certain Hanna and Caleb are enjoying their sex life and it's not a mess of boring sex positions in beds or nothing else. She doesn't think about it though. Until she's wondering if Caleb would have ever bothered with more than an occasional hand around her throat. It doesn't matter. Not when they didn't fit and when she and Marco do. "We're working through some stuff."

"But you're good? I'm not gonna get a call there's your dead body in the woods or something."

Spencer laughs, drinking down the flute of champagne Hanna gifts her with. "Not unless  **A.D.**  kills me." When Hanna doesn't reply a shift is best. "So,  _babies_. That's fast."

"We're ready. Time for something happy and good." Hanna beams as she speaks about it, sneaking a glance over Caleb. "What about you and Marco?"

"We're not having babies."

"No," she rolls her eyes, "you guys are just horrifying everyone with how much sex you have or what?"

Horrifying isn't the term she feels inclined to use. It's nice to see Hanna so mature but only makes her more aware of just what kind of loose cannon she is. Hanna is mature and wise. Hanna is married and wants a baby. Spencer is  _seeing_ , since that's the only word she can settle on, a guy and wondering if she should bother with law school or not. "We're figuring it out."

* * *

Aria asks her to be the maid of honor not long after the party and that leads them being upstairs pouring over wedding plans. It's a far cry from when it was Toby's place and she appreciates none of the memories find her. Not when Aria is sitting in her own little bubble of happiness and agonizing over bridesmaids dresses. As long as she doesn't look like she's from outer space Aria can put her in anything.

It's probably too telling about the kind of person Aria is that the threat is real and not entirely made up.

"Navy or lime green?"

"I can't believe you just asked me that."

" _What_?" Aria emphasizes thrusting the lime green fabric swatch at her. "It could be cute."

" _No_."

There's a roll of her eyes before the settle on the navy for the bridesmaid dresses. Better for everyone.

"What do you think they're doing?" She asks conversationally about Ezra and Marco who left earlier to be on their own. Wedding planning only a certain level of interesting.

"Guy stuff." Aria answers with a shrug, pausing, looking up at Spencer. "I don't know actually. Ezra usually was involved in our stuff, then Nicole. I don't think he ever hung out with Caleb."

"Because Caleb is our age."

" _Point_."

The boys come upstairs as if she summoned them and grab beers from the fridge before sitting on the couch. The TV turns on and it's normal. So normal it kind of freaks her out. Because it's never happened, she realizes. That's why it bothers her. Toby never bothered to make friends with her friends on a deeper level, at least with anyone who wasn't Emily. He was working, then working with  **A** , and then he was a cop. Caleb helped them out and was best friends with Toby, but by then Toby was still in his own little world. Marco seamlessly fits in and it terrifies her.

He's spending time with Ezra. He gave Alison advice on her apparently pregnancy long morning sickness that actually worked. He's not the biggest fan of Hanna or Caleb but when they were in the first fight of their marriage he talked to Caleb while she dealt with Hanna. They were over it within twenty minutes.

He's being a  _partner_.

It makes her question everything in a way that is so very Spencer like.

She watches him and doesn't bother listening to the conversation. She's not much into sports and doesn't care about the details about the match on the television screen. She just enjoys the sound of his voice and plans with Aria. Plans that will move off to her and Ezra's mother in the morning and be seemingly vetoed, she's aware. Work for nothing but it keeps her mind busy. She suspects that is why Aria is bothering.

With the planning, not the maid of honor thing. She knew that one was coming the night she got engaged.

When the match ends and Spencer doesn't think she can possibly be more bored than she is Marco grabs her hand as they head downstairs, out into the Rosewood night air. He made plans with Ezra for Saturday and she is terrified. It's silly. That she worries so intently about it. Almost as if it's going to fall apart.

 **A.D.**  is gone.

She has to be.

 _He_ , he has to be.

She never figured it out.

"What are we doing?" She asks but doesn't let of his hand even if her body is screaming to when they cross the empty street.

"We're walking down the street."

" _Marco_."

"Spencer."

"This didn't go well last time." She's almost afraid to broach the topic but does anyway, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye.

"Did you murder someone again?"

Spencer huffs but still doesn't let go of his hand. She wants to. Wants to explain herself, wants to bite at him for using it against her, wants to do so much. She doesn't because letting go is the worst part. "You're friends with Ezra."

"Is that a problem?"

"No."  _Yes_ , she thinks. "I thought we were just fucking."

"Then we're just fucking." It's he who pulls his hand away. "You asked me to the engagement party," he reminds, "and told me to come tonight. I know you're hard wired for lying but if you just told me the truth this would be a lot easier."

"That's not fair."

"Do you want to see other people?"

It's a simple question but one she doesn't know the answer to. Her arms cross against her chest as she stops in the middle of the street. "Why are you with me?"

Marco is a few steps ahead of her when the question comes out. He stops, simply stands there for a moment, before turning around. "I like you." It's a simple answer. "I like spending time with you. If you're using me again can you just be out with it. My ego can only take you bruising it so many times."

She uncrosses her arm as she walks over to him. "I wasn't using you the first time and I'm not using you now. I'm just... _scared_." Of everything, in reality. There's nothing that doesn't really scare her anymore. "It happened again. The stalking, the messages, the threats."

"What?" With the question comes the instant softness of his expression. Any defense gone. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I tried a thousand times I didn't know what to say. I don't want the pity. I can't take anymore pity." She inhales sharply to keep herself from crying on the street. She's so tired of crying. It feels as if she's been crying for years. She just wants to be happy. "It's not happening now," she clarifies when he wraps his arms around her. Her head falls against his chest and she feels comfort, for a moment. "Don't say anything, just don't let go."

"I won't let go. I promise."

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr.](http://laurelsalexis.tumblr.com/)


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